Baba Ramdev's Ukrainian classes

It was Mehndi day of the NRI shaadi in Pune. For a wedding that was put together in 15 days, I’d say not bad at all. Lesson for those who take six months to a year to organize their wedding- Big money works just as hard in two weeks!

The clueless groom asks me if he is allowed to walk around. Hell it’s your wedding, do the monkey dance if you please. You’re anyway marrying someone your folks don’t ‘get’. Yet.

As I said, money talks. In this case, it dances to the tune of Chhammak Chhallo. Which by the way looks a notch sexier when performed by Ukrainian belly dancers: All flown down especially to add the exotic to destination Pune. I guess Russia’s neighbours felt Raj Kapoor’s lasting effect too.

I sat in front of the several-pegs-down Uncles. It spared me from watching their jaws drop and their wives jiggle as soon as Madam Ukraine swayed her hips in their faces. Then, amidst the whistles, claps and Indo-Arabic music, my ears picked up a gem.

Shiny-shirt Uncle: Imported dancers, na! See, see how she’s doing. Beautifool!

White-safari-suit Uncle: Heh! Ye to humne bhi seekha hai. TV pe bhi dikhaate hai, na.

Shiny-shirt Uncle: Achha?  

White-safari-suit Uncle: Arre, this is Kapaalbhati only. Baba Ramdev? He does so easily. Same like what she’s doing.

Shiny-shirt Uncle: Oh haaan… ye to Baba Ramdev ka step hai. Haan-haan. TV pe dekha hai. Great yaar. Sab to apne India se aata hai. Aur ye belly dance kehke karte hain.

This eavesdropping has completely changed my perspective on belly dance stomach undulations. If that’s not familiar territory for you, try visualizing Baba Ramdev in a bedlah, which is the traditional belly dance costume. 


Now bridh in and bridh out. 

Oooiyee Maah!

This isn’t ‘hot off the pan’ as I intended. Partly because life got in the way but I prefer to say that I wanted to see if it had a lasting impact. Sadly, the lines from cringing are still visible. So yes, it qualifies.

As Mr. Ram Kapoor turned Priya Kapoor to face him for the thirty-something^th time in that episode, I squirmed. How many attempts does a guy make to kiss a woman? (Obviously I’ve forgotten, this is no ordinary woman, but the hindi serial heroine. That too an ‘Ekta Kapoor modern naari’) How many time does this woman put her man through the coy ‘Ooyie Maa’ ordeal till her pallu drops, or gets stuck in the fourth button of his hired sherwani, forcing her to turn to him.

Worse still, she runs away to the other end of the room. Her pallu is long enough of course. Allowing him another painfully stretched shot: the Draupadi Vastraharan act. Please to be hearing the word 'Vastraharan' echo a million times in your head to mimic the desi sopa opera SFX.

Will someone tell the writers that this is totally misplaced in context of romance. I am so sure that it was not sensual when the Kauravas sneeringly stripped her. In fact, it was probably as torturous as those madras cut reaction shots for every character’s over-reaction shot. I do pity Mr. & Mrs. Ram Kapoor for having to do re-takes of something like this. 

All through, I could hear my mind egging on, ‘you can do it’, ‘you can do it’. No pun intended because ‘do it’ is far, far away: As far as two excruciating episodes at least.

To put this scene into more apt perspective, this is today’s ‘adult’ show: The story about two mature individuals with strong, independent identities. Correction. This was worse than all the saas-bahus put together. Because it’s pretending not to be. Oh, such a sad sham. But they were not alone that night. No no no! No peeping toms in their bedroom. Alongside though, on neighbouring channels Kunal & Siddhi, Ahem & Gopi, (oh it just takes 5 minutes on an episode to be on first name basis with them) and a few other ‘mature jodis’ were attempting their respective make out scenes. Was it a coincidence that all serial couples went ‘holi’ that night? I say so because all this non-action happened in and around holi. Which equals bhaang. Which obviously equals a fuddled romp. Just so they don’t recognize each other after the morning after?